The Next Great Adventure

I was the kind of kid who was obsessed with the past. How people lived, what they wore, what they ate etc. Little House on the Prairie, Betsy-Tacy, Little Women were my books of choice, reading them over and over. I often day dreamed about time travel and living in the past during one of those time periods. I think the draw was the simplicity, the seemingly goodness of the people and the family values. And don’t forget the clothes (ha ha.) Everything about “the past” was romantic to me.

In later life, during my 30’s I went through a depression brought on by tremendous stress over the breakup of my marriage and being a single Mom to three small children, with no help and little financial resources. I consciously worked at the parenting bit, but was in a funk in all other areas of my life. What brought me out of it? Elizabeth Tudor did. I think of her as having saved my life. I started researching Tudor times, especially Elizabeth. I read everything, but gravitated towards reliable historical source documentation. I dislike romantic fiction and shows like “The Tudors” for the historical inaccuracies, but I love them for the costumes, hairstyles, jewelry and interior design.  I engrossed myself in her life and while certainly she could be portrayed as difficult, as all empowered women have been and continue to be, her empowerment is what I latched on to. I came out of that time period with quite an impressive library of old and new books and overcame my depression.

I became aware of Thoreau’s Walden around the age of 12. I often dreamed of having my own cabin in the woods and living self-sufficiently and simply. The urge for this has never left me, and while I get the cliché of it all and what Henry’s (I call him Henry in my mind) critics felt about him; I still admire what he did and how well he documented it. The desire to live this was way has been getting stronger and stronger for me. Almost ten years ago I took a step in the direction by purchasing two acres and an old house. Oh, I had big dreams! My son Matt dubbed our new home “The Shire” and while it looked far from that idyllic place, I was so happy with it and excited to turn it into a self-sufficient little homestead. But I found out the hard way these were my dreams, not those of any of my family members. No one really wanted to help. The kids were nearly grown and going off to college. Purchasing such a place took most of the financial resources and not much was left for anything else. Wrong timing. But the dream has never died.

Through a series of serendipitous events my dream is about to come true once again. This time I believe the timing is perfect! I will still be doing it on my own (no more children at home) but that is okay. I feel more than up to the challenge. I am moving to quite a rural property with many acres. I will be renting a small cabin. There are plenty of woods (that contain bears and mountain lions I was just informed) and lots of space for gardens. Eventually I hope to have chickens and maybe a couple of goats. I think looking back over my life events the only other time that had me this excited was the birth of my children.  Excited is too blasé a word for how I am feeling. Passionate, inflamed, enthralled! Okay, that’s better (I know I am a word geek.)

Things have been quiet on the blog, but that is about to change. Once I get settled I will have way more interesting things to write about! I will be back with regular consistent posts by the end of April. Since I know that I don’t really have any kind of a following yet, because I have done very little to promote this blog there is really no one out there to care when I am back (except maybe my dear Auntie Rosie-hi Ro!) That is okay, if nothing else I am practicing finding my writing voice and that was my main intention for starting the blog anyway. I do wonder though if anyone can relate to being attached to the past? If by some off chance you read this, I would love to hear!

On Being Notorious

Photo by Jessica Steigerwald Toro (my daughter)

 

 

 

 

“Forget safety.

Live where you fear to live.

Destroy your reputation.

Be notorious.”    -Rumi

I heart Rumi!

For three years I fretted about starting this blog. I didn’t really know what I was doing technology wise. I didn’t want to sound like a narcissist.  And the biggie, I was afraid of putting the real me out there for others to criticize or ostracize.

Then on January 15^th without over thinking it, I just wrote a post and hit publish. I had the design ready for several weeks prior, but since I am living in the flow at this time, and have proclaimed this my Year of the Free Spirit, I didn’t plan it, I just did it. It felt like the right time. Same goes for the next post. And then I started thinking (dum dee dum dum) what if I sound stupid and no one can relate? What if they think I am self-centered and it is always all about me? What if they doubt my intention to help others through my journey? And on and on, you get the picture and I bet more than a few of you can relate to the “what if” syndrome.

So I froze and did not start posting consistently. And I have to laugh at myself! Not too many people even know I started the blog, so who is even reading it? I told one person who I know well and whose honest opinion I trust. I also told another woman who lives on the other side of the world and who I only know from being online. That is it. I had very nice feed-back from both of them. But I was still procrastinating. Then my wonderful chiropractor who has become a friend asked me for the address. Another friend from my garden group also asked. I talked about it at my birthday celebration and now 6 more women know. And then I really got scared.

This is my Year of the Free Spirit. My guiding words for 2013 are Yes and Embrace. I made a promise to myself to be open about who I really am from now on. I have only dipped my toes in showing my true self by liking certain things on Facebook and by posting quotes and pics I am drawn to. I only talk about my fascination with astrology and energy healing and intuition with people who I know are going to accept me anyway. I get a lot of, “I didn’t know you were like that!” I am not totally sure what “like that” means, but I have a pretty good idea! Ahh, labels and my aversion to them (a post for another time).

 I am going to continue to write from my heart and be seen anyway. Even though I am scared, I am no longer ashamed of who I am. Even though I may lose people in my life, or I may be criticized or ridiculed I can handle that, because I am at that age (woo hoo 51 tomorrow) where in spite of my fear I feel enough confidence to be seen. Even at this weight and even if my views are not popular. I’ve longed for half a century to let the real me out. Since I have been taking baby steps in this direction I feel more alive, more content and just happier. It takes so much energy to always be on your guard and wear masks.  The best part is none of my fears have even been realized. Being courageous is where it is at! 

I am saying YES to post this link on Facebook. It will be my first time doing that.

I invite you to acknowledge ways you have been courageous in the past, or better yet say Yes to something you are fearful of right now. Let me know in the comments how it goes. I am rooting for you!

 

Remembering My True Nature

Orchids at Phipps Conservatory

Yesterday I spent the day at Phipps Conservatory in Pittsburgh with my yoga/garden club gals. It was a cold, snowy winter's day and perfect for browsing through the beautiful orchids and the tropical forest of India (a special exhibit). Besides all the beauty, the best part of the day was the meaningful conversations I can have with these women. Seems so rare these days. No one spoke of the latest celebrity gossip or fad diet. No, we had deep, soul filled, interesting discussions. This is something I value very deeply in my life.

We touched on many subjects, but one that stood out for me was making conscious, awakened decisions regarding (at least in my case) new relationships and new job opportunities. I am doing a tremendous amount of inner work and changing spiritually and emotionally at such a rapid rate that I hardly recognize myself. Yet, I am deeply familiar with this Self, I am really just remembering my true nature.

During a guided visualization the other day I had a profound experience when I was choosing those Goddess sisters whom I felt drawn to. Initially, I sought out the women in pain, experiencing trauma, needing compassion and love which I am always willing to give. I have been accustomed to this experience enough in my life to relate. I always want to help, not necessarily fix or make all better, but to genuinely listen and offer a bit of comfort if it is to be had. I have found that this sets up a lot of dependency on both of our parts.

Abruptly, I found myself turning away from this experience and seeking out those women who were the leaders, the whole ones who were not seeking, but who were Living in the Knowing, just Being, and Standing in their Power.

Pretty cool experience. A conscious, aware choice that was vastly different from the way I have always behaved in the past. Holy Shift!

This experience lines up with what I have been discovering about myself in studying my astrological chart (a fun hobby of mine). I will probably get into this in more detail in a later post, but suffice it to say I have a really strong Aquarian influence. It is not only my sun sign, but I also have 5 planets in Aquarius, and they are all in the 11th and 12th houses. Now I know this may not mean a thing to some of you, but this explains a lot about me and how my life has gone so far.

I believe my true nature has been forgotten because of the many challenges I have faced. Among many other things Aquarians are often leaders. I have never thought of myself as a leader. I have always preferred to stay behind the scenes helping out where I could. In hindsight though in several group experiences I have had, people did seem to look to me for guidance, even when I wasn't the official leader.

So from flowers, to guided meditation, to astrology, my inner process always fascinates and enthralls me. I'm sure someone out there can relate to parts of this. If so please let me know with a comment. I'd love to get to know you.

A Gift and a Challenge

I’m in that in between place. I have spent the last several years preparing for…I’m not sure yet. I was dissatisfied in so many areas of my life, so I began to systematically change things for the better. My relationship was a main source of angst in my life and after many, many years of trying, decided it was time to let go. I got divorced. I also had to let go of a huge house and lots of stuff. Much physical clutter has left. My space as well as my overall life is a lot simpler now.

These events also coincided with an almost empty nest. I only have my youngest out of my three children home with me. He is 21, so not near as much Mommy responsibility as I had had for the last 26 years. Talk about simplifying life!

The next big thing was my job. The stress and how it was affecting me was simply not worth the pay check. I had searched for something different because after all I was the sole provider now, but after 2 years of looking I was still unable to change jobs. I asked the Universe/God/Spirit to please find a way to get me out of a situation that was really affecting me negatively. So quite suddenly one day I was told I was laid off. WOW. 

Back to the in between place. No relationship, no job, a stream lined, clutter free life and calendar. I had only dreamed of being in such a place before. And while mostly this is a good place to be, there is a bit of un-comfortableness (not sure if that is a word but I love making up new words), a bit of emptiness. The question is what now, what next? What an exciting and scary place to be!

I have the time to actually answer those questions in a thorough way. I can take my time, really dive deep. Revelations are happening left and right. It hasn’t been so easy to slow way down, to savor the empty places, to have time stretching out in front of me and not to feel stressed about, well anything. What a gift and a challenge! 

The gratitude mainly keeps me buoyed throughout the day. I cherish my morning meditation time without having to rush out the door. I practically cried with thankfulness the day we got a heavy snow and I did not have to go out at the crack of dawn and dig out my car and drive in nasty conditions.

But the place that I am having a bit of a challenge is in the tension of the space. Some days I struggle to not fill the empty space up with meaningless busyness. The un-comfortableness of just being can feel overwhelming. Usually the gratitude of having this gift of time softens the difficult feelings.

2013 is asking me to step up, to begin, to re-introduce myself to myself, and most of all to introduce myself to the world. I have held myself back from my life and from the world in so many ways and for such a long time. It is time to go deeper and let that go too. 

So here I am. Hi, my name is Andrea. Many people call me Andie. The name of the blog has the word salad in it because my last name is Saladino. I will be writing here, hopefully regularly, because one of my most sacred dreams is to be a writer. I will slowly and sometimes carefully be putting myself out there for you to get to know. The scary part is that I am going to be putting my real self forward. Not the persona I have presented to the world in the past. I will be as real as I know how to be and I promise to share from my heart.

Welcome to my blog home. I hope we will become friends. Thank you for reading.